07/10/2005 Posted @ 11:39 AM PD/ST: "Mixed Emotions"

I get mad at one of my favourite blogs because it feels so cliquish and I feel so outside looking in. I don't get invited to play, only to sit on the sidelines and read. I get jealous at those who are invited to play and who are on the inside. I promise myself every time I have a few spare moments that I will NOT read this blog because I don't like the way I feel. I'm middle-aged now, aren't we supposed to be over and through crap like this now? Didn't I leave high school almost 30 years ago? But, I go and I read and some days I get angry because it is so darned cliquish and then, I read a story that touches me. About how the author connected in a way with someone that is inspiring. And then I get confused and still upset. I mean, it still feels cliquish and I'm still on the outside looking in, waiting for the cool kids to notice me and invite me in and I don't like that feeling. But the writing can be so good and inspiring and makes me want to work harder on my own writing. So I sit here, trying to sort through what I want. The stacks of emotional to-dos are almost as high as the stacks of stuff surrounding my desk and computer.

Someone very recently said, "There are spaces opening in your setting of friends." I paraphrased because, of course, just as I started to write that thought I couldn't remember the exact words my friend had used. But she is right, there's plenty of space for new confreres, room to grow and share and love. But looking at the empty spaces hurts more than just a little sometimes.

Never one to make friends easily, it's hard to watch them go, for whatever reason. Even when the choice is mine, it's still hard. Which explains why I am so conflicted over my favourite blog. Why can't things be easier?