Category Archives: Personal

It Takes a Village: The Journey Begins

painted-daisiesMy mind has been a big jumble for several weeks, ever since I got the idea to share my journey with food in public. How do I start? Where do I start? What gets put in? Which details do I leave out?

“They” say that any journey starts with a step. So, here’s my first step. Haltingly and imperfectly, here is where I am in my life, and how I’m becoming the person I always dreamed of being. (Yes, I know that sounds like hyperbole. Trust me, it’s not.) As you get to know me, I hope you will find the compassion for yourself to reset your life, and reach for the things you don’t know you wanted.

On April 6, 2016, a confluence of events led me to change the way I thought about food.  To this point, food had been a survival mechanism.  Now, I want more.  The main motivation for this lifestyle change is this, I want to be a better steward to the members of the museum at which I work.    A healthier body means having the ability to stand, or walk, for longer periods of time mingling at events with our members, without chronic back pain.

This has almost always been about wanting a healthier, stronger body.  It’s never really been about losing weight. Although I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that I do succumb to the numbers game on occasion. I need to remind myself daily that it’s about being healthier, not thinner. Because, I’ve been thinner, and I was miserable.

On April 6, 2016, I weighed 300 pounds and while I knew I was a gorgeous creature inside, I did not particularly believe I was beautiful outside. At 56, I had surrendered to my past. The past whose experiences told me I was worth less than just about anybody else in the world. That I was unlovable, and unworthy. Yet, the universe saw fit to put me in situations, and bring people into my life, who showed me the exact opposite, if only I would pay attention.

Nearly six months later, I am so happy. The happiest I have ever been at any size. And I know, deep where it’s important to really know things like this, that I am lovable, I am worthwhile and I am worth more than I ever thought possible. Ever.  And I have just begun.

Many people have asked what my “secret” is.  I giggle and tell them there is no secret.  Then, I tell them there are spreadsheets involved.  Most roll their eyes when they hear that.  Everyone wants someone, to tell them how to “fix” their lives.   I can’t, I don’t know how.

What I can do is share my journey.  All of it.  Food, emotions, getting physical.  The good, the bad, and the downright ugly.  We all have the power to heal ourselves and become the people we want to be.

But, it is work. It is hard.  Sometimes, it’s downright tedious.  Are the results worth the work?  Oh HELL to the yes.  There are paths to potential opening all around me. Some go places I never would have thought of. Some paths are to things I gave up on.  So, yes it is worth the time and effort.

None of this is possible if I’m not willing to do the work.  I do the work, the universe provides the results.  I’m learning to let go of the “how,” and just take the steps I know, the universe provides guidance every step of the way.

It’s the same for you who are reading this.  YOU do the work. You can’t just wish for change, and do nothing to make it happen. You, and only you, can do this work and make your life better. And, once you begin, you are the only one who can make you falter. You are in charge, and no one but you, not even the deity itself has the power to take this away from you.

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Too Much, Too Much

DEATH: Terry Pratchett and the Discworld Paul Kidby (Official Ilustrator):
DEATH by Paul Kidby

There’s been too much death this year. I suppose there’s always too much death any year.

But now comes word that my friend, Eric Weaver, has died.  According to his daughter he was on his way home from work and had a hypertensive heart attack.  He was a year younger than I.

I suppose it’s to be expected as we enter our 50s.  I suppose.

Eric was one of the patient, kind, good guys who lived in my world of geekiness.  We met when we worked at WhoWhere?  I knew we would be friends because he named one of the servers Ridcully.  We both had a fondness for Luggage and Death too.

We both rotated around Don too.  Eric’s mind worked in ways mine didn’t, and we both puzzled over how he could so easily pick up coding, while I looked at most of it as gibberish.  Even with a translator like Eric, I never got the hang of it.

We exchanged quite a bit of email as I settled into my job at the Computer History Museum.  Always pleased that I had found such a unicorn of a workplace, in complete agreement that Don would have also been pleased, and convinced they will eventually hire me.

I’ll always remember his goofy giggle, his uneven smile and those silly fanny packs he wore.  I’ll also always remember his friendship and our fondness for Terry Pratchett characters.

Eric, I’ll miss you greatly.  I hope you and Don are up to no good.  I hope I remembered to tell you how grateful I was we were friends.

Judgment Day

I found this guy, Rob Brezsny, on the internet, and signed up for his newsletter.   Brezsny’s a subversive, trickster character.  I’m ambivalent about both astrology and tricksters.  Less so the latter because while I don’t like being screwed with (who does?), I can see value in what a trickster brings to the cosmic table.

Brezsny’s weekly newsletter has more than just horoscopes.  Sometimes the thoughts in it just seem random, on the edge of making sense.  It’s like looking for something out of the corner of my eye and not quite getting it.

But this week reinforced the idea that I’m where I’m supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to do.  The universe hasn’t let me down yet, I don’t give up that easily.

Many people sincerely think that they will be called before God to account for themselves on Judgment Day. If you yourself have held that belief, you can stop worrying about it. The fact is, according to a survey of over 800 dissident bodhisattvas, urban witch doctors, sacred agents, and undercover geniuses, that you are called before “God” on “Judgment Day” on a regular basis.

Since you still exist, you have apparently passed every test so far. “God” obviously keeps finding you worthy. You shouldn’t get overconfident, of course. But maybe from now on you can assume that although there may be a world of pressure on you, that pressure is natural, merciful, and exactly what you need.