It’s almost two years since Shauna was first diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer and began her 14-month battle. I
know she would want all her friends to remember breast self exams are a great tool for early detection.
Before Shauna, I only had a theoretical sense of death. It was staticy phone calls or the neighbour knocking to tell you of another neighbour dying. It wasn’t long, agonizing phone calls with my best friend as we reassured each other. It wasn’t hovering just out of sight as I watched her battle cancer.
But Shauna was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer and I came to know about death. How it hovered, watching and waiting. Death wasn’t taking joy in waiting for Shauna, it just was. Death was doing its job, nothing more, nothing less.
Even in the face of death, Shauna was undaunted. A thousand little details danced into place, as she willed them to. She loved Craig and the girls, Katie and Tricia with a ferocity only a wife and mother with a limited amount of time can. She loved me that way too.
The last day she was in the hospital she reminded me of how worried she had been when she gained weight over the summer when we thought she was “dancing with NED.” She wanted to remain slim and trim but she was stress eating; and … everything just tasted so damned good! After months of not being able to taste anything and not being able to eat very much, her tastebuds and her capacity came back. Except the Pepsi, that never came back and we all know how Shauna loved her Pepsi. Anyway, we were talking about her weight gain over the summer and how perturbed she was about it.
“Well,” she said. “I’m glad I did it. That cheeseburger tasted really good!” I held her hand and laughed with her. Even in the face of death and knowing it would be her turn soon, she kept her sense of humour.
I can’t pinpoint the moment we met, or the moment we became friends, much less best friends but it happened. She was my rock when things just got weird for me, and I like to think I was hers, especially after her diagnosis.
It’s been a year and I know I’m not alone when I say I miss her every day. There’s a hole in my heart that was once filled by Shauna. I know our world is a better place for having had Shauna in it.
Stephanie here:
Evan from Mischievous Ramblings sent this advice. He has gone through the Journey with Cancer 3 times. It’s good advice and he generously gave permission to have it quoted here.
- Your first responsibility in this time is to take care of yourself. Take care of others as you can, but remember that you need your own resources for yourself first. Everyone involved will understand when they are saner.
- There will be moments (they come at different times for different people) when everything goes to shit. People will argue vociferously about stupid things, or say and do stupid things. They don’t mean it (although some people will hang onto the arguments or the stupid things forever, but you can only control what you do, not that they do) and will become sane again at some point in the process. Just go with it, even if it’s you doing the insane things. This is part of the process of accepting and grieving a loss. You can’t predict when it will happen, you just have to ride it out when it does, and recognize that it is almost a moment of insanity.
- When in long-term emotional crisis, I suggest that you try to think in terms of “yum” and “yuck”. Seek out whatever you find “yum” and avoid as much “yuck” as you possibly can. If this means an occasional foray into an entire package of Oreos, so be it.
- If there are things you need to work out with or say to Shauna, do it quickly. You don’t know when the end will come, and you don’t want to find yourself saying “if only I had said…”. Encourage others around her to do the same.
- You can find a lot of stuff online about handling death and dying. Read some of it. There’s some good stuff in a book by Reclaiming, Macha NightMare, and Starhawk called “The Pagan Book of Living and Dying.” Might give you a different perspective.
- Understanding the process of the disease and of dying will help.
- Don’t be afraid to take time and “yum” for yourself.
- Remember that you can’t help other people if you become shellshocked yourself.
- There will be weirdness. Roll with it.
Thanks, Evan
