Journey with Cancer

From Shauna

I got to recconnect with a dear friend of almost 25 years. Scott has moved his family out of the bay area and into the quiet of Idaho. I understand why he did this, its just something I never wanted for me and my family. Now that I am facing the fight with cancer I am grateful that I never moved away from my family and friends. I need them and glad they are here for me.

I have known Scott longer that my husband. He and I shared experienced while working as EMT’s, were platonic roommates, and then at seperate times as paramedic students. He went on to work as a medic and then joined Oakland PD. I left the ambulance field, went to work at National Semiconductor and met my future husband there. We stayed in contact as friends for as long as we could but each of us got married, had kids and drifted apart. But that voice on the other end of the phone line tonight brought back some great shared memories. Scott has always been a true blue friend and the distant just vanishes when we get together, either by phone or in person.

Scott’s brother is facing a serious health crisis of his own and I know that he will be there for his brother, and yet when Scott told me if there is anything I need that he would be there for me and I believe he would. The bond just feels that whole again. Its one that has never bothered my husband. He equates it to the bond he sees with soldiers who have shared experiences. Time passes but when brought together the bond renews, strong as ever.

Love you Scott. When I kick this cancer thing my family and I will enjoy a visit with you and your family in the peace and quiet of Idaho.

From Shauna

For the first time my blood tests came back bad. I do not have enough white or red blood cells to be given chemo today. I need to come back next Friday. I will spend more time resting - I guess during the holidays I did too much and my body reflects that.

I did get a small confirmation of good news from the oncologist I saw today. He is not my regular one. He confirmed significant decrease in size of the cancer in my breast and the lymph nodes. He said it would require more time and careful checking to see if there has been improvement in the cancer in my lungs. Remember, the cancer spots there were fairly small to begin with and they want to check carefully, not rushed.

I suppose that if I gave a crap in the least about New Years then I would say there was a silver lining to this too sick stuff because I would be aware of New Years instead of my usual post-chemo mostly asleep and semi-coherant state for the weekend. But I don’t, so I guess the only silver lining is hours and hours of college football. I even like some college football. Not an entire weekends worth, but some.

I will try to send out some more thank you cards this weekend. But until then know that I appreciate all my friends and family and everything you have done for my family and I.

From Shauna
Today I have the CT scan to check the progress of the cancer mets on my lungs. Its those nasty things that took my diagnosis from Stage 3 (pretty ugly) to Stage IV (terminal but with no official experation date) . I am hoping for some positive results from this test.

There are 2 down sides.

One, my oncologist isn’t in town right now so the results will be delayed. I don’t know how long. I hate waiting.

Two, are these nasty tasting smoothies I have to drink. They include the ‘contrast’ that allows the CT scan to see things. But could they have come up with a worse tasting stuff? It is mediciny, chalky, and only the slightest taste of banana, which is good since bananas are ok, but a monkey I am not.

I have to drink 1 at 7:30 am and then another at 12:30 pm. This stuff is gross and in case they forgot, I have to take 3 different anti-nausea meds just to keep GOOD tasting stuff from flowing back up. I tried, I really did. But by 9:00 I had only finished half the huge bottle that was supposed to be done by 8:00 am. I dread the 12:30 one. I know I am not going to finish the whole thing. I just hope they allow for folks like me and give you more than you really need. It worked that last time so lets pray it works again.

I guess there are 3 downsides. The worst would be if there were no changes to the cancer in the lungs. Lets not go there. I will keep up good spirits and just complain about the banana smoothies.

From Shauna

Katie is the quiet child of the two. Get her on one of her favorite subjects and then you learn that she can talk and talk your ear off - anime being one of them - but as a rule she is the quieter one.

Since her sister has been off in South America I have gotten to spend some good quality time with Kate. She doesn’t resent having to constantly stop what she is doing and get something for me. Which for a 15 year old, that is truly amazing.

The other day we were out to lunch with family and stopped to buy paint for the little figures she makes. I asked her how she was handling this cancer thing of mine. She looked over at me with surprise on her face. “I thought you had noticed! I have an absolutely positive attitude. After all, I KNOW you’re going to beat this. So, no problem!”

I had to stop at the next light to catch my breath and wipe my eyes. Such a warm, loving, glow from this young lady, my first born. How can I not beat it?

Stephanie here:
Let me tell you about Shauna. She is so fierce and determined. Determined to live her life and never give up or in. She knows her limitations, which change all too frequently but she adjusts with grace. Shauna will let you know what she needs.

Last night we went to the Sharks vs. St. Louis Blues game, courtesy of our friends Chuq and Laurie. Their seats are 3 rows off the ice so it can be quite a trek, especially if you’re already worn out. To get food, which we had coupons for, we had to walk to 2 different concession stands and then around the concourse a little way more and then down the stairs from the top of the lower bowl to the 3rd row. Shauna let me know every step of the way what her needs were.

The woman is not a complainer, she bears her illness and her limitations with dignity. She is also not shy about taking her hat off in public and showing off her bald head. Not to show it off, you understand, but to make herself more comfortable. People commented on both the wonderful Christmas hat Claudia made for her and her very well shaped head. Shauna is a marvel.

We had a good time being together, shared food, laughs and conversation. It was the most wonderful thing to be able to have a “girl’s night out” with her and enjoy each other’s company. We also got to see a couple of friends along the way who added to Shauna’s joy.

One never quite understands fully the impact of a friend’s illness, ever. Last night gave me an up close view of just how much Shauna is going through and how much energy and willpower she puts into getting to the next moment. There was talk of managing her nausea and the careful timing of pill-taking, stomach settling pretzels and knowing what can set it off.

She looks fragile and worn out but exudes this strength that says, “I’m not going down without a fight and I’m taking the cancer with me!” I admire her greatly and am proud to be her friend, by her side helping her fight the battle.

From Shauna

You know I have so many special people in my life that it sometimes brings tears to my eyes. Last night was the annual holiday dinner hosted by my employer. I left work early so I could go home and nap since I am usually a lump on the sofa in the evenings. At 5:30 we all met at Aldo’s, a great Italian place between Campbell and Los Gatos. Appetizers, wine (I tried some but too acidic on my stomach) bread with little bowls of garlic and oil. Hubby and I asked for butter for our bread - yes I am sure the Italian waiter went in the back and exclaimed ‘there’s some ignorant Americans out there that are asking for butter for their bread!’ - but we don’t care. Just never got into the oil thing. I ordered the lobster ravioli with the creamy champange sauce. Delicious! and since I can only eat a little bit I took home a nice doggie bag. I had good food and good company for a few hours and there is just no price you can put on that when you are facing a long battle with cancer. Everyone at my work gets along great and Mark is a such a terrific boss. Its been a family owned and run business for almost 50 years. And family is the key word. Everyone there is treated as part of the family. I was the first to leave - I had reached my limit of evening energy - but so many coworkers came over to give me hugs and kisses goodbye that I was starting to cry before I left. Love is a powerful thing.

From Shauna

I had two great things on Monday night. One was a get together of some of the best hockey folks out there. A small but very cordial group got together to put the final touches on one book of hockey life and the opening faceoff of another. It was the first time since getting cancer that I have been out to a restaurant. I wasn’t sure I had the energy, for one thing. I was also concerned about stray smells having bad effects on me. I am happy to say that no smells bothered me and that I was able to eat a little bit of a great meal. I spent more time there than I thought I would. Thanks to Rene for the ride there and back. To Mike, Chuq, Laurie, and Mark - I enjoyed myself tremendously.

BTW- I wore my black and teal hat that night - wish you could have seen me, Anne!

The next thing was 2 other friends dropped in to my place and helped put ornaments up on the Christmas tree. It was kinda bare with just the lights on it, but that was as much as Trish could do before she left for Colombia. I have no energy for decorating and Craig has his hands full when he gets home from work so this was a very loving thing for Claudia and Carmen to do. Because I was able to stay so long at the restaurant I completely missed C and C. So sorry my friends, but thank you for such a great job!

From Shauna
Normally I can’t do anything on the day after chemo, but I wanted everybody to know that the lump on my breast is still shrinking. It is down to two centimetres from its original size of four centimetres.

I wil be having another CT scan on December 29th to check on the cancer in my lungs to see if it has also responded well to the chemo.

Going back to sleep now.

Love and prayers,
Shauna

Stephanie here:
She looked so adorable in her Christmasy hat that Claudia made for Shauna when I picked her up today. Shauna showed me all the hats she has received so far, no worries about her head getting cold that’s for sure. They are all tremendous and she just glowed while she showed them all to me.

She was a little teary when I got there but I think it’s because she is so tired of the cancer and everything being about cancer and I can’t say that I blame her. I love getting to spend time with her and having her in the car all to myself gives me a chance to hear what’s going on with her, besides the cancer.

Let me tell you, one of her big complaints is that she just doesn’t have enough energy to write thank you notes like she wants. And I keep telling her, “You have cancer for goodness’ sake, I think you have a good excuse!” She wants so very badly to get them out so people know how much she appreciates everything. I know we all understand and while I can’t speak for everyone else, I’m pretty sure we do it because we love and care for Shauna and her family.

January’s calendar is still looking a little empty, don’t forget to sign up for a meal or groceries to help out if you can.

From Shauna
Today is Round 4 and the last of the AC chemo drugs. My chemo nurse said that the drug for Rounds 5 - 8 usually don’t cause as much nausea. I am looking forward to that posibility.

Tricia arrived safe in Colombia. The family was all excited to see her. I talked to her for a few minutes last night when she called to say she was safe. She will spend today at High School with Karen. I told her she is Karen’s “Show and Tell project”. I am sure she will have fun.

I got a great hand made knit cap in Shark Teal and Black from my friend Anne - Thanks Anne! I will wear that when sitting home watching Shark games to bring the boys good luck.

My friend Claudia made these incredible knit caps for me. One is all decorated with Christmas things. It evens jingles! There is another that has 2 sides - one if its a good day and on the back it shows Oscar the Grouch so if I turn it around people can tell its not a good day for me. Hope I won’t need that often.

Well, any updates for the next few days will have to come through Steph. I absolutely love and appreciate the meals that my friends have provided me and my family. I have so little energy in the evenings that I just haven’t been able to write individual thank you cards, but please know that they are very appreciated.

Love to all, Shauna