My mind has been a big jumble for several weeks, ever since I got the idea to share my journey with food in public. How do I start? Where do I start? What gets put in? Which details do I leave out?
“They” say that any journey starts with a step. So, here’s my first step. Haltingly and imperfectly, here is where I am in my life, and how I’m becoming the person I always dreamed of being. (Yes, I know that sounds like hyperbole. Trust me, it’s not.) As you get to know me, I hope you will find the compassion for yourself to reset your life, and reach for the things you don’t know you wanted.
On April 6, 2016, a confluence of events led me to change the way I thought about food. To this point, food had been a survival mechanism. Now, I want more. The main motivation for this lifestyle change is this, I want to be a better steward to the members of the museum at which I work. A healthier body means having the ability to stand, or walk, for longer periods of time mingling at events with our members, without chronic back pain.
This has almost always been about wanting a healthier, stronger body. It’s never really been about losing weight. Although I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that I do succumb to the numbers game on occasion. I need to remind myself daily that it’s about being healthier, not thinner. Because, I’ve been thinner, and I was miserable.
On April 6, 2016, I weighed 300 pounds and while I knew I was a gorgeous creature inside, I did not particularly believe I was beautiful outside. At 56, I had surrendered to my past. The past whose experiences told me I was worth less than just about anybody else in the world. That I was unlovable, and unworthy. Yet, the universe saw fit to put me in situations, and bring people into my life, who showed me the exact opposite, if only I would pay attention.
Nearly six months later, I am so happy. The happiest I have ever been at any size. And I know, deep where it’s important to really know things like this, that I am lovable, I am worthwhile and I am worth more than I ever thought possible. Ever. And I have just begun.
Many people have asked what my “secret” is. I giggle and tell them there is no secret. Then, I tell them there are spreadsheets involved. Most roll their eyes when they hear that. Everyone wants someone, to tell them how to “fix” their lives. I can’t, I don’t know how.
What I can do is share my journey. All of it. Food, emotions, getting physical. The good, the bad, and the downright ugly. We all have the power to heal ourselves and become the people we want to be.
But, it is work. It is hard. Sometimes, it’s downright tedious. Are the results worth the work? Oh HELL to the yes. There are paths to potential opening all around me. Some go places I never would have thought of. Some paths are to things I gave up on. So, yes it is worth the time and effort.
None of this is possible if I’m not willing to do the work. I do the work, the universe provides the results. I’m learning to let go of the “how,” and just take the steps I know, the universe provides guidance every step of the way.
It’s the same for you who are reading this. YOU do the work. You can’t just wish for change, and do nothing to make it happen. You, and only you, can do this work and make your life better. And, once you begin, you are the only one who can make you falter. You are in charge, and no one but you, not even the deity itself has the power to take this away from you.